Confronting disappointment

Daily Gratitude

I'm shining today because I'm grateful for:

• Bright sunshine on my face. It's cold, but it's bright. Oh, the glorious light of early spring!
• The job I didn't get. Really? Yes! I thought I'd be sad, but I realized that the boss was kind of wimpy. It appeared that he couldn't handle my strong personality. That would make my world terrible. Can't have a boss that's threatened by my shininess! 
• My friend, Genia. She's so good to me. I went out of town for the weekend and she generously hung out with Eddie dog while I was away. It's so nice knowing he's with his Auntie Genia while I'm gone. 

Today I'm thinking about disappointment

Disappointment has been a big part of my early years. On some level it'll always be part of life. I believe that's the human condition. Yet, I'm getting pretty good at confronting it with confidence and a plan...

Heartbroken

Quite literally, I felt my heart had broken into pieces. Seemingly out of the blue, my husband of 20 some years announced that he was executing an exit plan - he had an apartment and his buddies were coming to move him the next day. And, yes, he was serving me with divorce papers. I was crushed. Are you kidding? After all of the life we had weathered together, the hell and high waters we navigated?

Resentful 

Boy, was I angry. For years I deferred my career advancement because I had kids at home. To move ahead in my field meant relocation. I wouldn't do that to my high school-aged children. When the time finally was right, the economy tanked and with it the administrative position. Seriously? I worked too hard and too long to be denied this!

Out of my mind 

I was about to realize one of my most precious and clung to dreams: an overseas trip. Getting the passport ready, shopping for the perfect walking shoes and mix-and-match clothing, and smart packing had all been done. I was ready for my big trip! A phone call dashed all I had dreamed for in a manner of minutes. My trip was cancelled! I cried, ranted, raved. Why? Why, oh why isn't it ever my turn!

In denial 

Why would I think things were going to be different this time? The births of my children, family funerals, momentous birthdays - all where times it seemed I just might get that close relationship with my parent. But alas, I was always denied any long-term, lasting affection. Maybe if I keep trying. Maybe this time. Maybe this special day, this special thing I will do, will make my emotionally unavailable parent see how much I want to be important to them. Don't think about all the previous times it hasn't made a difference…

A bit dramatic? Maybe. But, these and a myriad of other big and small disappointments are part of my human experience. And, when things got bad, did anyone realize my heart was broken, that I was angry and resentful, or that I was going out of my mind? Pretty much no. My best friend and my sister knew things weren't perfect. However, the rest of the world only saw a smile, determination, and a positive attitude. Isn't that how we're supposed to deal with things? We put on our big girl panties and move forward?

There are all sorts of self-help books, Internet websites filled with stuff, and other kinds of advise out there. Some is helpful, most of it is a message to buck up and be happy. I was already doing that and it didn't serve me. A couple of months ago I experienced yet another letdown. It dawned on me that I could possibly handle things in a new way. I decided to look objectively at how I might better navigate through disappointment.

Here are my thoughts, see if they ring true for you:

It's okay to be upset 

First and foremost, I need to acknowledge my feelings. We have emotions for a reason. They tell us what's happening inside. Sometimes disappointment registers with my body before I realize what's happening with my heart. I can get tense, my stomach hurts, sometimes a cold sore breaks out on my upper lip. These are signs. It's at this point I need to stop and ask myself if I'm annoyed, angry, or hurt. Once identified, I will tell my self I'm disappointed and it's alright to feel that way.

Talk about it 

Really? Let someone know you're not super-human and that you fail now and then? Yes! My sister told me it's good to share with someone you trust that you are feeling humiliated, stupid, or hurt. Not because you need to admit or confess this to someone else. But, because it takes it out of your head and puts your feelings into words. This helps to stop the spin-cycle. From there, you can discuss what you're feeling with someone who cares about you. I'm so blessed to have a best friend and a dear sister who have my best interest in mind. I will spill the beans with one or both (probably both!) of them.

The evidence 

When I feel someone has let me down, I have to ask myself if I've created something that wasn't necessarily agreed to by the other party. By going back over conversations, even written agreements, for the purpose of objectively gathering what the other party intended, I can see if I created my own expectations. I know that this won't always be the case. There will be times that people blatantly drop the ball or fall short. But, if I find that I built up a situation in my heart or mind, I will be better able to address what is mine and what is theirs.

What can I change? 

Looking at my disappointment to see what can be changed and what can't is helpful. By asking myself if there are elements in a situation that I can change to make things better, I can lessen the impact. Sometimes there are simple corrections or shifts I can make that will put me in a new direction. Other times there are more long-range plans I can make. This gives me a plan to work on. There may be times that there's nothing I can do to impact my circumstance. But, going through the process will put me in a good position to know where I'm at.

Trust in the Divine 

After feeling, talking, evidence gathering, and changing all that can be changed, I may find that I am simply left with a bad thing. What happens now? Is this where the big girl panties come in and I have to grin and bear it? No. Bad things happen to us. It's an element of being human. I firmly believe that God can take a bad thing and make something beautiful from it. I have seen evidence of this over and over again. When there is a disappointment and I can't do one single thing to impact it, I am gladly going to give it over. Divine direction is much better than my own! The next time I have a big, bad disappointment, and I've done my part, I'm going to let go and see what good plan is in store for me. I know it's going to be amazing and I won't be able stay disappointed for long.

And, that's how I'm confronting disappointment!